Frenzy Masturbation!

Now just before you shy red after reading the title, or switch to another blog or inform the government to regulate my blog (good luck on that by the way), I ask you to hold your horses. First, we cannot deny that masturbation has tremendous benefits for the health, especially for men. For example, masturbating four times a week can reduce the chance of getting prostrate cancer by 25%. However, there are sometimes when little habits can go overboard.

I was reading a novel called “The Average American Male” that tells a story about your average American male (duh!) and in one of the chapters, the protagonist of the story has masturbated 4 times just before he went on a date. Now, I realize this is a fiction; however, after reading the readers’ reviews and how they confirmed the reality of the novel, I thought this is the real deal: that American guys masturbate more than 4 times a day.

In order to feed the social psychologist in me, I ventured into a quest to find the real answer, and who is a better person to ask than your beloved American colleague. I started with James, who is famous for being a total playboy in the psychology department in my university.

Me: Say James, you do date a lot of women don’t you?

James flashed his white teeth, brushed his golden blond hair, adjusted his fitted t-shirt that was so tight on his 2% body fat frame, and displayed his cheek dimples. He was brimming with confidence.

James: Yes, I declare that I am guilty at charge.

Me: Well, I was reading this novel, and in one of the chapters, the protagonist undergoes frenzy masturbation four times just before he went on a date. Do you confirm that’s a regular habit you commit yourself?

James didn’t take too much time thinking. With a big grin on his face, he answered.

James: I can definitely assert that I often masturbate 4 times a day but I never did it that many times before I went on a date. I think you gave me an idea for a great challenge to beat my friend.

Although I didn’t get the exact answer I wanted to hear, but it was a positive start.

Me: Gee, thanks James.

James: No problem, my average looking friend.

Unsatisfied with the results that I obtained, I thought that I should ask my nerdy friend (and lab partner) Andrew if he can chip his two cents to the subject. You don’t know, looks can be deceiving, I thought.

Me: Say Andrew, how often do you jerk off on a daily basis?

Andrew squirted his iced mocha all over the place.

Andrew: Say what?

Me: Oh sorry. How often do you ejaculate on a daily basis?

Andrew: I understood it the first time you idiot. What kinda question is that?

I explained thoroughly to Andrew my story. He looked at me bitterly.

Andrew: How should I know? I rarely get out of the lab that I cannot even afford to wonder on my own fantasies. Although…

Andrew suddenly grew excited.

Andrew: Once I was alone in the lab, I masturbated on a refractive lens and inspected it under the microscope. Dude, it’s so cool. I finally got to see my boys alive and kicking.

I revolted. Picturing him doing that made me punch his face until he fainted. A single uppercut punch was enough to do that.

I wondered in the food court, trying to achieve some results for my hypothesis. I noticed a bunch of my female friends sitting in one of the tables. Even though my question deals with men, I thought I should ask them the same question and if they masturbate that often. Filled with confidence, I hippity hopped toward them with my burning question.

Me: Hi girls!

All: Hi Angelo!

Me: Say girls, I’m kinda conducing a survey in social psychology and I was wondering how often do you…

I couldn’t ask the question. They are girls, and you don’t ask this kind of question to girls. My integrity as a gentleman would be diminished. I thought to ask them a different innocent question.

Me: Do you go shopping on weekends?

Audrey, the leader of the group, raised from her chair looked at me with raging fire burning in her eyes.

Audrey: What kinda sexist question is that? What, do you think just because we are girls, all we care about shopping and sales? Men are such pigs.

Me: But I…

Audrey: And you know what? Thank God we love shopping. At least we get to work our bodies and burn some calories. All you men do is just jerking off like 4 times a day. You suck.

Audrey, all angered and agitated, left the table with her friends to the nearby junk store and bought dozens of double chocolate brownie to ease her stress. Despite I was declared a pig, she kind of answered my question in her ravishing, ultra feminist rant.

I halted my search for the day and decided to give it a rest for a while. Shortly after, my Kuwaiti friend called me over the cellphone and we started exchanging stories. I told him what I was doing that day. He made his hyper Kuwaiti laugh and without any hesitation, he replayed:

“Yam3aowad (I have no idea how translate that word to English), I masturbate like 5 times alone just when I take a shower”.

Utter silence ensued…

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31 responses to this post.

  1. hahahhahaa! Your curiosity got the best of you! I wonder how your questioning would be answered in Kuwait! Bada3t! haha

    Reply

  2. Posted by n on May 6, 2008 at 12:02 am

    what 4 TIMES a day r u serious !!!!

    Reply

  3. hehehehhe ana i thought ina all men did it daily but 4 times daily!! @@ interestingggg

    Reply

  4. interesting … really… um yeah…!
    But you know.. Im actually surprised that some people actually answered you honestly… and Im thinking that maybe had you asked the girls they would’ve gotten even more insulted and headed to the donuts maybe getting two dozens if not more ;p… but maybe you could have asked them the questions with a different twist…
    Like.. what do you feel about the subject and do you think girls do it as much as the guys….? Even though I think it’ll still be an awkward question :p

    Reply

  5. I think this post and I could be very close friends.

    Reply

  6. Okay, That’s a scary, awkward & an uncouth post indeed, four times daily is bad for your penile skin “definitely” .. One thing u do not want is to wear it out!

    On the other hand, I find Andrew an amusing person indeed, & Yes, it is cool to watch sperms swimming under the microscope & colliding with each other like a bunch of dumb thingies “remind me so much of some of the straight men”! .. I should try to see my own sperms though, Never thought of that *Sigh*

    & Audrey, That is NOT sexist, Gays love shopping.. it is the ultimate retail therapy . .

    but four times a day!!! God! I mean, it is basically around 40 minutes – 80 minutes of jerking off a day .. Com’Onnn, I am sure any given person has way more important things to do ..

    Nice post, Angelo.. Keeep it up 😀

    Reply

  7. Posted by Я on May 6, 2008 at 1:39 am

    “For example, masturbating four times a week decreases the chance of getting prostrate cancer by 25%. However, there are sometimes when little habits can go overboard.”

    “Now, I realize this is a fiction; however, after reading the readers’ reviews and how they confirmed the reality of the novel, I thought this is the real deal: that American guys masturbate more than 4 times a day.”

    So is it 4 times a week or a day? It does reduce chances of prostate cancer and is healthy, but not 4 times a day. You see doctors recommend it in ‘moderation’ not in excess, also it can be quite addictive to some people.

    According to stats, 95% of males & 89% of females reported they have masturbated during the course of their lives. Not sure about the stats in Kuwait though.

    Reply

  8. LOOOOOOL! Very interesting.
    its like your asking single people how many times would you do it , if you were not single.

    does that make sense

    Reply

  9. Posted by solarees on May 6, 2008 at 2:43 am

    lol

    Reply

  10. lotsa mastubation for men leads only to premature ejaculation in the future. so be careful dude.

    Reply

  11. Posted by Juan Paulo Gultiano on May 6, 2008 at 5:15 am

    I love this entry. Thank you for the enlightenment. 🙂

    Reply

  12. Posted by greyshorts on May 6, 2008 at 6:32 am

    yup yup knew a guy who used to masturbate six times a day

    once in the morning

    twice in the afternoon

    twice at night

    too much porn i tell you

    Reply

  13. Posted by greyshorts on May 6, 2008 at 6:32 am

    yes i know that was five

    6awaf

    Reply

  14. Haha, nice one. But I can assure you it’s not only americans’ problem. It’s just the same all over the world

    Reply

  15. ok this has to be one of the most disgusting post i ever read

    Reply

  16. Masturbation lowers your vitality… (chinese call it “qi”)

    Yes, same goes for women too…

    But if you want to achieve the 5 times a day feat…

    make sure your sac have plenty of ventilation and have some birdnest before your quest…

    I’m sure westerners knows what birdnest are…

    and to make sure you replenish your brain cells, be sure to have some ginko nuts before and after the exercise.

    For the uninitiated, I’ve found a nice way of consuming ginko nuts here :
    http://soonhuat.com.sg/desserts.html

    right at the bottom of the page is a picture of ginko with beanstick.. whatever beanstick is…

    I’ve tasted birdnest and ginko… both taste wonderful and are considered to have medicinal properties by the orients.

    anyway, the above is for guys…

    Women have no problem having multiple orgasm..

    Reply

  17. You should write a novel, by the way from which anime/manga does the picture of your blog’s banner come from?

    Reply

  18. >___< I opened your blog this morning.. my boss was standing right behind me!! I totally panicked hehehehe didn’t think I’d find R rated stuff here : P

    I suggest next time you do a survey and hand it out, claim it’s for medical reasons or so XD

    Reply

  19. Posted by tesseracts on May 6, 2008 at 2:00 pm

    The name of your post caught my attention on the Dashboard. And I am glad that I read it, because it made me laugh. A lot. 😀

    Reply

  20. […] thinking about pleasuring your new lady… Take a moment. Eat a Snickers bar. Watch Hot Fuzz. Masturbate in a frenzy. Anything that will give you some time to think about which of the following is worse: (1) waiting […]

    Reply

  21. 4 times before a date??? I can see 4 times in a day, but that dude would be dehydrated that much that soon!!

    brianalexander.wordpress.com

    Reply

  22. Posted by anony on May 6, 2008 at 4:00 pm

    SICK POST

    Reply

  23. Posted by amygirl29 on May 6, 2008 at 10:17 pm

    I laughed so hard reading this I cried. 4 times a day???? I work with about 15 men–am I to suppose that some of them are fitting in at least one of these sessions while they are down the hall in the bathroom???? I am so sheltered. I had no idea guys could do it that often. Wow.

    Reply

  24. At some point there, I thought you were going to tell us it was all a dream! lol!

    Reply

  25. So whats your record?

    Reply

  26. The ‘average American male’ is going to end up blind ..

    Reply

  27. i’m waitin 4 tat’s question to be answered 😛

    Reply

  28. Man, four times in one day? Once a day is enough for me.

    Reply

  29. @Marzouq

    I would be stoned to death LOL.

    @n

    Ask the author. I didn’t believe it also.

    @Princess

    You really did think that o_O

    @Hamitaf La B

    Exactly. It’s very awkward to ask this question to a girl, even if she was my wife.

    @The Bagel of Everything

    And how about me? Cannot we be friends too 😛

    @OpeRon®

    Thanks Ope. You read my thoughts exactly. Any penis would be peeled with that kind of masturbating.

    Hell, I love shopping more than anything else.

    No, it’s healthy to masturbate at least 4 times a WEEK, not a day. This way, you allow to “renew” your sperm and increase its the motility.

    @Skinnybumblebee

    LOL, I guess single people have more time to spare 😛

    @Solarees

    😉

    @Blasha

    La etwa9een 7aree9 😀

    @Juan Paulo Gultiano

    You are most welcomed. And welcome to ma blog.

    @Greyshorts

    6awafnaa.

    Hatha el porn wa ma yesawi 🙂

    @Бранимир Бонев

    Exactly. It’s a man thing in the end.

    @Eshda3wa

    I was going with a different aim. I didn’t intend to disgust people LOL

    @Womens Health and Beauty

    This is one of the most informative comment ever made in my blog. Thanks for sharing 😉

    @M

    That’s my dream to tell you the truth. I really want to write and publish a novel one day.

    The banner is from the manag version of the videogame Persona 3. Shūji Sogabe is the artist.

    @Vixen

    Personally, I see it a PG-13 material 😛

    That’s a great idea. I should have done it in the first place.

    @Tesseracts

    I’m very glad it brought a smile in your face.

    @Brian Alexander

    I’m surprised he didn’t faint at all. I know I would 😛

    @Anony

    YOU DON’T SAY!

    @Amygirl29

    Men are more mysterious than women. We are very deep, even in most disgusting and peculiar way.

    @N.

    I wish it were.

    @TAT

    Ahh, I say twice a day is my limit.

    @K.

    Blind…and maybe dead.

    @Cody

    Indeed. That’s what normal people usually do it.

    Reply

  30. Hahaha!! Your kermit is soooo funny! Thanks for making my day fun.

    Reply

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