Now just before you shy red after reading the title, or switch to another blog or inform the government to regulate my blog (good luck on that by the way), I ask you to hold your horses. First, we cannot deny that masturbation has tremendous benefits for the health, especially for men. For example, masturbating four times a week can reduce the chance of getting prostrate cancer by 25%. However, there are sometimes when little habits can go overboard.
I was reading a novel called “The Average American Male” that tells a story about your average American male (duh!) and in one of the chapters, the protagonist of the story has masturbated 4 times just before he went on a date. Now, I realize this is a fiction; however, after reading the readers’ reviews and how they confirmed the reality of the novel, I thought this is the real deal: that American guys masturbate more than 4 times a day.
In order to feed the social psychologist in me, I ventured into a quest to find the real answer, and who is a better person to ask than your beloved American colleague. I started with James, who is famous for being a total playboy in the psychology department in my university.
Me: Say James, you do date a lot of women don’t you?
James flashed his white teeth, brushed his golden blond hair, adjusted his fitted t-shirt that was so tight on his 2% body fat frame, and displayed his cheek dimples. He was brimming with confidence.
James: Yes, I declare that I am guilty at charge.
Me: Well, I was reading this novel, and in one of the chapters, the protagonist undergoes frenzy masturbation four times just before he went on a date. Do you confirm that’s a regular habit you commit yourself?
James didn’t take too much time thinking. With a big grin on his face, he answered.
James: I can definitely assert that I often masturbate 4 times a day but I never did it that many times before I went on a date. I think you gave me an idea for a great challenge to beat my friend.
Although I didn’t get the exact answer I wanted to hear, but it was a positive start.
Me: Gee, thanks James.
James: No problem, my average looking friend.
Unsatisfied with the results that I obtained, I thought that I should ask my nerdy friend (and lab partner) Andrew if he can chip his two cents to the subject. You don’t know, looks can be deceiving, I thought.
Me: Say Andrew, how often do you jerk off on a daily basis?
Andrew squirted his iced mocha all over the place.
Andrew: Say what?
Me: Oh sorry. How often do you ejaculate on a daily basis?
Andrew: I understood it the first time you idiot. What kinda question is that?
I explained thoroughly to Andrew my story. He looked at me bitterly.
Andrew: How should I know? I rarely get out of the lab that I cannot even afford to wonder on my own fantasies. Although…
Andrew suddenly grew excited.
Andrew: Once I was alone in the lab, I masturbated on a refractive lens and inspected it under the microscope. Dude, it’s so cool. I finally got to see my boys alive and kicking.
I revolted. Picturing him doing that made me punch his face until he fainted. A single uppercut punch was enough to do that.
I wondered in the food court, trying to achieve some results for my hypothesis. I noticed a bunch of my female friends sitting in one of the tables. Even though my question deals with men, I thought I should ask them the same question and if they masturbate that often. Filled with confidence, I hippity hopped toward them with my burning question.
Me: Hi girls!
All: Hi Angelo!
Me: Say girls, I’m kinda conducing a survey in social psychology and I was wondering how often do you…
I couldn’t ask the question. They are girls, and you don’t ask this kind of question to girls. My integrity as a gentleman would be diminished. I thought to ask them a different innocent question.
Me: Do you go shopping on weekends?
Audrey, the leader of the group, raised from her chair looked at me with raging fire burning in her eyes.
Audrey: What kinda sexist question is that? What, do you think just because we are girls, all we care about shopping and sales? Men are such pigs.
Me: But I…
Audrey: And you know what? Thank God we love shopping. At least we get to work our bodies and burn some calories. All you men do is just jerking off like 4 times a day. You suck.
Audrey, all angered and agitated, left the table with her friends to the nearby junk store and bought dozens of double chocolate brownie to ease her stress. Despite I was declared a pig, she kind of answered my question in her ravishing, ultra feminist rant.
I halted my search for the day and decided to give it a rest for a while. Shortly after, my Kuwaiti friend called me over the cellphone and we started exchanging stories. I told him what I was doing that day. He made his hyper Kuwaiti laugh and without any hesitation, he replayed:
“Yam3aowad (I have no idea how translate that word to English), I masturbate like 5 times alone just when I take a shower”.
Utter silence ensued…