Archive for the ‘Friends’ Category

The Bitch Has Done It!

I was just about to go though my Edge magazine that I arrived in my mailbox early that day. I just came from school and decided to feed my affection for videogame journalism by reading several articles that were written in the magazine when my cell phone rang its familiar Zelda ringtone. For the sake of anonymousness, let’s name the caller Jay.

Jay: The bitch…the bitch has done it!

Me: What? Who’s the bitch? What happened? What the hell are you talking about?

I was startled! I’ve never heard Jay sounded so troubled like that. The guy is usually calm and collective. He even has a peculiar air of refinement that usually reserved for princes and priests.

Jay: Mariah! She came back from her early evening stroll around the neighborhood, and she came dribbled with blood, in her…in her sensitive area. The bitch had sex!

I threw my head back at my seat and eventually my whole body pushed the chair backward, nearly bending it. I made an uproarious laugh.

Me: You don’t know, maybe she got raped.

Jay: No time for technicality. She had sex and that’s it. She’s all broken.

Me: So? It’s not like you were reserving her for yourself. It’s not like she is going to marry you one day. Surely, even you can do better.

My sarcasm flew through the roof.

Jay: What if she got pregnant. Ever thought of that?

Me: Ahh, now, that’s a problem. I don’t think you are willing to take care of her baby.

Jay: Of course not.

Me: I know, just throw her baby in an orphanage or something.

Jay: Are you insensitive or something? I cannot do that, especially in the early months. The baby needs his/her mother.

Was I? Yeah, sure, I might have sounded insensitive, but I was just trying to help the poor guy.

Me: Okay, hang on. I’m coming to your place right now.

I arrived at Jay’s clean and pretentious apartment. Jay’s taste in décor and selective furniture is extraordinary. Hell, he will even amaze the guys from “The Queer Eye For The Straight Guy” so impressively that they will revert back to straight hood. And of course, all of that didn’t do nothing for Mariah.

And there she was, Mariah, setting comfortably at her reserved chair near the window that was facing the balcony. Her “lover” might still be outside right now. She seemed she had no care in the world as usual, not like Jay who was virtually about to explode from the stress. He was cracking his fingers that you swear they were being broken on every crack. That was his way of reliving stress. I always hated that nerve-racking habit.

I looked at Mariah and she seemed to look me back. I always knew she had a resentful feeling toward me. I smirked.

Me: Way to go girl. I never thought you had it in you.

Jay: Enough with your sarcasm. Can you help me out, please?

Me: Well, let’s have a doctor check on her.

Jay: I was thinking about that. You will be coming with us.

Me: What? No, I had my fair share of drama for tonight. That’s a matter between you and your Mariah. Sorry dude, I can’t.

Jay: Oh, C’mon, don’t be such a jerk. I need you. You know that I get easily terrified from these kind of clinics. C’mon, I’ll even treat you to that expensive French sundae ice cream you always love. You know, with lush whip cream and a cherry on top.

Me: Dude, I don’t think it would be appropriate to have cherries on the day that Mariah popped hers.

Jay: Excuse me from your pretentious sarcasm for now and just tag along with us.

Me: Fine. I’ll “tag along”. But I don’t want a sundae. There’s a used game I saw the other day from GameStop but didn’t had the chance to buy it. You’ll go and be nice boy and get it for me. It’s only $19.99.

Jay: Fine, whatever. If I had to be a bitch I’ll do it even.

Me: Dude, I’m just keeping up with the theme we are having here.

Many Days Later

I was with Jay at the clinic. Mariah was having her birth operation in the emergency room, and I was sitting on the sofa reading Pet’s magazine in the waiting hall. Jay was circling the whole clinic and even borrowed few cigarettes from the nurse and went outside to smoke. The poor guy; this incident made him return to smoking all over again after his impressive commitment in quitting 18 months ago. The doctor finally came back from the emergency room and Jay walked swiftly toward him, like a moth attracted to flame.

Doc: Congratulation, young man. You have a twin.

Jay’s jaws literally dropped to the floor from this shocking twisted news. I was just about to sarcastically comment at that when Jay looked at me sharply to my eyes.

Jay: DON’T!

I shut up.

Doc: Ahem, would like to see her now?

Jay: Yes. Please.

I “tagged along”. I might as well watch the finale after witnessing the drama that spanned for two months. And there she was, Mariah, with her two little…kittens. They were so adorable, and even Mariah. She had this glow that only mothers possess. You can tell she was equally exhausted and somehow happy. Jay brushed her furry tiny head and kissed it. He stared at the kittens and stroked their heads gently as well. I sat back and watched the small family that came together throw all of this. Luckily, the girls that were living next to Jay’s apartment agreed on taking care of the two little kittens while Jay continued on harboring his precious little Mariah without any extra baggage from her kittens. However, living next-door meant that Jay could bring Mariah to see her little babies anytime any day, and that would make Jay  happy because he got to spend it with two hot chicks, and thus, everybody’s happy except for me because the game got sold it and didn’t have the chance to get it.

Fin

Late To The Party: Happy Ramadan

It’s always interesting, experiencing Ramadan in the States. For the past years, I’ve always bitched and moaned on how miserable it is to spend Ramadan away from the family, and away from the homemade Ramadan food you always get to have in your household. But to be honest, spending Ramadan either alone or occasionally with your friends have developed a special taste in my palate. You can witness the cooperation with your friends as they struggle to whip the best dishes they could, and also your effort in trying to contribute a little. For me, I suck at cooking. That’s the only skill I haven’t fully achieved while studying abroad. So, my contribution usually would be buying dessert from Safeway, brining lunch platter of subs from a nearby Sub store, or sometimes if my cooking curiosity has been activated, I would make a large bowl of pasta salad.

Of course, the situation isn’t always glamorous, especially when you have your Iftar (or Fotoor) alone. I mean last night; I had Hotpockets served with kettle-cooked potato chips and a Weight Watchers muffin. Then for Suhoor, I had some waffles served with maple syrup, and finally I ended the day with a cup of green tea and at least a liter and a half of water to sustain my hydration for the next day. But in the end, it’s all good, because I know I have something to eat unlike many people who are suffering from hunger and deprivation. I’m blessed after all. And I wish everyone to be blessed in this holy month of Ramadan; regardless you are a Muslim or non-Muslim. After all, my life motto is always and always has been:

To Live And Let Live

Happy Ramadan

Twitter Addict!!

Thanks to Snookie, I’ve been easily convinced to join Twitter and put down a profile of my own. I was surprised to find some of the bloggers I know there and already started to follow them. Feel free to follow me as well if you feel like doing so. Now, the big question is, when this fad will start to fade away from my life?

My Profile

Frenzy Masturbation!

Now just before you shy red after reading the title, or switch to another blog or inform the government to regulate my blog (good luck on that by the way), I ask you to hold your horses. First, we cannot deny that masturbation has tremendous benefits for the health, especially for men. For example, masturbating four times a week can reduce the chance of getting prostrate cancer by 25%. However, there are sometimes when little habits can go overboard.

I was reading a novel called “The Average American Male” that tells a story about your average American male (duh!) and in one of the chapters, the protagonist of the story has masturbated 4 times just before he went on a date. Now, I realize this is a fiction; however, after reading the readers’ reviews and how they confirmed the reality of the novel, I thought this is the real deal: that American guys masturbate more than 4 times a day.

In order to feed the social psychologist in me, I ventured into a quest to find the real answer, and who is a better person to ask than your beloved American colleague. I started with James, who is famous for being a total playboy in the psychology department in my university.

Me: Say James, you do date a lot of women don’t you?

James flashed his white teeth, brushed his golden blond hair, adjusted his fitted t-shirt that was so tight on his 2% body fat frame, and displayed his cheek dimples. He was brimming with confidence.

James: Yes, I declare that I am guilty at charge.

Me: Well, I was reading this novel, and in one of the chapters, the protagonist undergoes frenzy masturbation four times just before he went on a date. Do you confirm that’s a regular habit you commit yourself?

James didn’t take too much time thinking. With a big grin on his face, he answered.

James: I can definitely assert that I often masturbate 4 times a day but I never did it that many times before I went on a date. I think you gave me an idea for a great challenge to beat my friend.

Although I didn’t get the exact answer I wanted to hear, but it was a positive start.

Me: Gee, thanks James.

James: No problem, my average looking friend.

Unsatisfied with the results that I obtained, I thought that I should ask my nerdy friend (and lab partner) Andrew if he can chip his two cents to the subject. You don’t know, looks can be deceiving, I thought.

Me: Say Andrew, how often do you jerk off on a daily basis?

Andrew squirted his iced mocha all over the place.

Andrew: Say what?

Me: Oh sorry. How often do you ejaculate on a daily basis?

Andrew: I understood it the first time you idiot. What kinda question is that?

I explained thoroughly to Andrew my story. He looked at me bitterly.

Andrew: How should I know? I rarely get out of the lab that I cannot even afford to wonder on my own fantasies. Although…

Andrew suddenly grew excited.

Andrew: Once I was alone in the lab, I masturbated on a refractive lens and inspected it under the microscope. Dude, it’s so cool. I finally got to see my boys alive and kicking.

I revolted. Picturing him doing that made me punch his face until he fainted. A single uppercut punch was enough to do that.

I wondered in the food court, trying to achieve some results for my hypothesis. I noticed a bunch of my female friends sitting in one of the tables. Even though my question deals with men, I thought I should ask them the same question and if they masturbate that often. Filled with confidence, I hippity hopped toward them with my burning question.

Me: Hi girls!

All: Hi Angelo!

Me: Say girls, I’m kinda conducing a survey in social psychology and I was wondering how often do you…

I couldn’t ask the question. They are girls, and you don’t ask this kind of question to girls. My integrity as a gentleman would be diminished. I thought to ask them a different innocent question.

Me: Do you go shopping on weekends?

Audrey, the leader of the group, raised from her chair looked at me with raging fire burning in her eyes.

Audrey: What kinda sexist question is that? What, do you think just because we are girls, all we care about shopping and sales? Men are such pigs.

Me: But I…

Audrey: And you know what? Thank God we love shopping. At least we get to work our bodies and burn some calories. All you men do is just jerking off like 4 times a day. You suck.

Audrey, all angered and agitated, left the table with her friends to the nearby junk store and bought dozens of double chocolate brownie to ease her stress. Despite I was declared a pig, she kind of answered my question in her ravishing, ultra feminist rant.

I halted my search for the day and decided to give it a rest for a while. Shortly after, my Kuwaiti friend called me over the cellphone and we started exchanging stories. I told him what I was doing that day. He made his hyper Kuwaiti laugh and without any hesitation, he replayed:

“Yam3aowad (I have no idea how translate that word to English), I masturbate like 5 times alone just when I take a shower”.

Utter silence ensued…

The Finals Finale

Huzzah! I’m finally done with this semester and all the nightmares it brought along. I can gladly confirm that I’ve done well with the finales so no need to worry about that. Of course, waiting for the grades to be posted is probably one of the most stomach-churning experiences a student has to go through in life. For the time being, I just want to relax and take some time to rejuvenate my brain and body. Right now, I’m waiting for my ticket allowance so I can book a ticket to return to Kuwait for the summer. I also have tons of graduation ceremonies I have to attend this year and that’s something to be excited about.

I guess…

Someone Turned 23

Yes, someone has definitely turned 23 but that someone is still in denial. His “freaking out” phase is starting to creep out on him slowly as he types this post. That someone didn’t do too much that day either. He found out that most of his friends have left to Orlando for some stupid Kuwaiti student convention, so he called as many friends possible who are still in town, and threw himself a dinner party. At that point, he wanted to hang himself because he thought that was the most pathetic thing a person could ever do, but his mom’s words lingered in his mind that she has saved a special present for him when he comes back to Kuwait this summer. He postponed his own execution.

When his friends asked him where he would like to go for a dinner party, he immediately thought of BJ’s Brewhouse. It’s not the best place ever but he didn’t want to be a burden on his friends and take them to an expensive restaurant. On top of that, he was craving pizookie (a warm cookie topped with a scope of vanilla bean) all day long, so he thought that if he couldn’t satisfy his birthday’s wishes, he might at least satisfy his hunger.

In the end, that someone (miraculously) had a great time and he thanked his friends from the bottom of his heart. Now, he’s depressed again that he has 7 years left to be turned 30, and that thought alone scares the bejesus out of him.

Spring Break: Destination Vail

Vail was amazing. I didn’t practically hit the slops but regardless, I was able to do lots of stuff. Of course, this wasn’t my first time there but I can confirm that I had more fun this time. Allow me to share some of the pictures that my friend took during the trip.

  • The Village

There are lots of shops and restaurants in the village. Some of my friends burnt their credit cards by just buying souvenirs, clothes, and snowboards. Unfortunately, we didn’t take any pictures during the night but rest assured, it was beautiful and lively.

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  • The Shops

I always wanted a cowboy hat and now I got one. Surprisingly, I didn’t look silly wearing one but it was a little bit expensive than I thought. After all it was quite authentic.

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  • The View

The mountains were breathtaking as usual. The snow was much thicker the further you go to the top but it was definitely chilly in there. My craving for hot chocolate milk was peaking the longer we stayed there, but fortunately one of my friends brought some coffee so I was able to restore my body with warmth. As they were snowboarding and skiing, I was on charger on capturing all the funny moments on video. My friend knocked two people as she slide down from the top of the slop in an amazing speed. Her scream as she was descending was hilarious, especially when you hear “Umaaaaah” gradually getting louder as she’s getting closer to the bottom. It’s a classic.

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It’s Spring Break Baby!

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Officially, spring break starts now and there’s no school for moi until next week. So you are probably wondering, where am I going to spend my spring break this time around? Maybe you are speculating that I might go to an exotic beach such as Cancun, or have a nice shopping spree in New York City, or maybe, just maybe, to travel to Orlando and have a ride in the Magical Kingdom.

Well, sorry to burst your bubble but I’m going nowhere. Wait, don’t feel sorry for me just yet, because one of my dearest friends is visiting me tomorrow and I have been dying to see her since she graduated from my university. We are planning to spend some time in Vail and Aspen with a group of friends especially since springtime is fantastic to spend it there. And there are couples of shows and events that we are looking forward to see in downtown Denver and couple of new restaurants that we cannot wait to try. Plus, I’ll have the opportunity to read some of the novels I bought, and have a little of “me time”. So basically instead of going wild this week, I’m gonna take it slow and have a relaxing time with my friends and just enjoy the free time I have as much as possible.

Are You A Typical Kuwaiti Man?

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“Angelo, you are so not a typical Kuwaiti”.

Honestly, I have been hearing this sentence since the day I was born. Through my life, this sentence is always used in both negative and positive lights. For example, one friend of mine was so angry that I’m not good at playing football that he yelled “What kind of Kuwaiti who doesn’t know how to play a freaking football?” And another friend of mine was impressed that I read books for pleasure and she has said once “Wow Angelo, you read books? That is so not what a Kuwaiti would do”.

So, as you can see, being called untypical Kuwaiti guy can have its ups and downs. Thus, I have derived a list (based on my experiences) on what it takes for a person to be qualified as a typical Kuwait person. Please note that this post isn’t intended to be serious, or offensive for that matter. It’s for your pleasure only!

What Makes You A Typical Kuwaiti Man?

1. You are good at playing football but lack the footballer’s body
2. You love playing “Kout Bo Setah” but hate playing Uno
3. Your Playstation 2 can only play Winning Eleven
4. You eat with your bare hands…even when dine in a restaurant.
5. Your idea of “dating” is to chase girls around at “The Love Street”
6. You don’t read books for pleasure
7. Your taste in western music is based on the current, generated hype
8. You fart in front of your friends
9. You make the “KAAAK Laugh” at the movies
10. Beirut, London, and Bangkok are your ideal vacation spots
11. Your average cell phone bill is beyond 100KD
12. You cannot live without an “European Satellite Dish”.
13. You watch football more than an English man would normally watch
14. Your idea of liberalism is to drink and have sex but not to eat pork
15. You consider Stallone, Van Damme, and Segal as your favorite actors
16. Most of your jokes are based on Kuwaiti comedy plays
17. You cannot joke with your friends unless you cuss
18. Your cell phone is filled with jokes and pornographic text messages
19. You cannot accept girls as your friends or as colleagues
20. You always accept girls as your girlfriends
21. High school is your favorite period of your life
22. You smoke in the non-smoking areas
23. You think a dishdasha creates a true man
24. You want your wife to be an exact replica of your mother
25. You show (or pose) your muscles in your facebook and Hi5 accounts
26. You use famous football players and movie stars as your online avatars
27. Your English vocabulary is based on Rap music
28. You consider Gulf Road as a Formula-1 track
29. Your only use of English is when you use the “IRC language”
30. You cannot live without having a loan or a mortgage

Now, if you satisfy at least 10 conditions from the provided list then consider yourself a typical Kuwaiti man. Honestly, I can add more than 30 conditions but I had to stop at some point. Again, I hope you take this post as it’s originally intended. After all, I am a Kuwaiti and damn proud to be one.

The Brazilian Waitress

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Last night the guys and me went to a grand Brazilian restaurant we have in Downtown for a birthday celebration for one of our friends. The way they serve the food there reminds me of a Lebanese restaurant I once experienced in Dubai. Basically, there is a color shaped cylinder placed in the middle of the table and it had green, yellow, and red strips from the top to the bottom. When you flip the green side upward, the waiters just keep bringing you food like none stop and when you flip in to the red side, they simply stop serving food to your table. In our condition, let’s just say we never flipped it back to the red side through the whole evening. However, the highlight of the evening was the energetic and amusing waitress that was serving us drinks. We certainly had delightful and memorable moments with her. Allow me to share them with you.

We Are Simply Kuwaitis

The Waitress: You guys look like Arabs, right?
All of us: YES!
The Waitress: Where are you guys from?
All of us: KUWAIT!
The Waitress (joking): Kuwait? Why the hell are you here? There’s no oil here.

Brazil Vs. Argentina

My friend: What do you think of Argentina’s soccer team?
The Waitress (whispers): Can you keep a secret?
My friend: Absolutely
The Waitress: Between you and me, Argentina is like the Israel of the Latin world
My friend and I (astonished): …………

Girls of Rio de Janeiro

Me: So where are you from specifically in Brazil?
The Waitress: I am from Rio de Janeiro
Me (gasps): I always wanted to go there. What is the best thing there?
The Waitress: Sexy girls. And sexy girls who know how to dance
Me (laughing): Seriously?
The Waitress: Yeah of course. Look at me. Am I not sexy enough for you?
Me (still laughing): oh no, you are certainly sexy, and cute too. Angelina Jolie is eating her heart out right now
The Waitress (smiles): Hmph! I thought so too

Tea? But Alcohol Is Better

The Waitress: I heard you Arab people always serve tea when somebody visits your house or office. Is that true?
Me: Yes, like most of the time. But that’s usually common in the Gulf countries
The Waitress: And I heard that if I didn’t accept it, it would be an insult. Correct?
Me: That’s true if you were served by the Bedouins
The Waitress: Ahh, you mean the people of the desert. I mean they don’t live in the desert but their grandfathers used to live there
Me (troubled): I…I guess you can say that
The Waitress: What if I want coffee or soda?
Me: That’s OK. You can order whatever you want
The Waitress (smirks): And what if I wanted alcohol?
Me (in a whispery voice and smiling): Actually, you will find people who will actually serve you alcohol. At this day and age, it’s not entirely impossible
The Waitress (smiles): Really?
Me (in a whispery voice): Yes. And probably they serve it to you without even asking you in the first place