Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category

SFW Porn Ad [Or Is It?]

This is has got to be one of the funniest viral videos I’ve ever seen. The video claims to be SFW, but it is so NOT in my opinion. Watch it only if you are over 18 and/or have an incredible sense of humor. Otherwise, avert your eyes and go read something else. Hey, there’s always Archive.

Oh Snap! I Have Been Paparazzied!

Last night, the guys and I decided to go for a movie after dinner. As usual, I picked to watch a different movie than theirs; while they made a decision to watch Body of Lies, I was more eager to watch the movie adaptation of a fantasy novel I just read and reviewed, The City of Ember. After an hour and a half, sitting through what I affirm the worst movie adaptation in the history of cinema, I found out that I had at least 40 minutes to spare before Body of Lies finishes its run. So, I resolved to head to the nearby Borders store and have some coffee at Seattle’s Best upstairs, and maybe enjoy reading a book.

Finally, I went there, picked Post Office, had my coffee, and sat at one of those leather chairs you see at similar coffeehouses. Not long after that, a guy came in from the top floor entrance of the store along with a bag of McDonald’s Dollar Menu. He was a tall man, warning some sort of a fedora hat that covered most of his brownish hair expect for his ponytail, and a backpack that is generally used for hiking. I didn’t want to occupy my time with him; we have our fair share of weirdos in our area and I’m kinda used to it. So, he sat in the chair across of me, munching from whatever came out of his McDonald’s bag – which I’m pretty sure it’s not permitted inside the store – while reading a newspaper he placed on the small coffee table.

The man finished his meal, tossed his McDonald’s bag aside, wiped his hands using a napkin, and then grabbed a small digital camera from his backpack. Even though I was reading, I couldn’t help but to notice the unsettled movement across of me. He started to take some pictures without using a flash. I thought he was just taking some pictures of the interior of the store. And he was, for a while before I felt that his lens was aiming at me.

*Snap*

He took a picture of me. I thought maybe he’s taking a picture of whatever was or were behind me, so I didn’t react.

*Snap*

OK, this one was definitely aiming at me. The guy is nuts, I thought. And just before he took a third one, I lowered my book from my face, and looked at him.

“Excuse me, are you taking pictures of me?”

He freaked out.

“Oh man, you ruined it, that was supposed to be the perfect shot”

Now, the rest of the people who sat next to us were started to stare at us. I frowned.

“Of what?”

“Of you of course. You had a gripping look while you were engrossing in reading that book of yours. I couldn’t help but not to take some pictures.”

“Gripping” “engrossing”

His choice in vocabulary isn’t as bad I thought it would be, coming from a hippy-looking person, but still, I was pissed.

“And who the hell gave you the authority to do that?”

“I didn’t want to bother you. I wanted to take a natural looking picture”.

“Still, that doesn’t give you the permission to go around and take people pictures as you please. There’s something called privacy, I suggest you look it up while you are in a bookstore”.

“But you looked so good”.

That’s it. Either he had a sick crush on me or he was just plain idiot with a fedora hat. Few seconds and the young woman who was handling the music section of the store came just in time before I kicked his ass. I thought, “Where the hell have you been from the moment that guy entered the store with his McDonald’s bag”.

“Is there a problem, sir?”

“Yes, there’s a problem. My problem is that gentleman over there is taking pictures of me without permission”.

Then she quickly swirled her whole body to his direction, in one single motion. I thought she was a robot or a cyborg.

“Sir, you cannot take pictures inside the store. It’s forbidden”.

“Forbidden?”

“Yes, it’s the store’s policy”.

“Screw your policies. I am a man of free will”.

I shouted.

“I am a man of free will myself, but you don’t see me taking pictures of people without them knowing”.

He quickly packed his stuff and looked at the young woman.

“That’s the last time I’ll ever come to one of your stores. It’s the last time!”

And then, just a like a broken record, he repeatedly mumbled his last sentence, and even started to talk to the people nearby regarding his unfair treatment. Thankfully, no one gave him a damn attention to him until he finally got out of the store. I was pissed and just wanted to get the hell out of here. As I was heading downstairs, my phone beeped and it was my friend Jay. You guys remember him, right?

“Hey, we are done with the movie. Where are you?”

“At Borders”

“Good. Stay right there while I go to the Apple store nearby to pick a Nano. You finally convinced me to buy one after you showed me yours today”.

“I don’t care. I just want to get the f*** out of here right now”.

“Why? What happened?”

“I have been paparazzied!”

I Lol’ed

Death Note: If Only It Happened Like That…

We would have been spared from all the drama. Although, I really love drama, and drama loves me.

Are You Registered To Vote?

While walking around campus this week…

Person A: Are you registered to vote?

Me: No, but I wish I could. I’m not a citizen.

************

Person B: Hey, you look all liberally and open-minded? Are you voting for Obama?

Me: Oh, I would love to, but I’m not a citizen. Boohoo

************

Person C: Hey, you look like a McCain-Palin guy! Are you voting for them?

Me: Oh God no! I’m not interested in voting for a dinosaur and its drag queen.

Person C:

Me: Ahhh, I mean I’m not a citizen. I cannot vote.

Person C: Then, here’s a deal. I’ll let you marry my sister, you get the green card, and in return, you vote for McCain.

Me: …you are kidding! Please, tell me you are kidding.

Person C: Hahahaha, yeah I am.

Me: Phew! You just startled me there.

Person C: No seriously, would you like to do that?

*Runs*

The 5 Annoying People You Meet In Kuwait’s Movie Theater

Last time, I condensed my ranting thoughts regarding the annoying people that you meet in Starbucks all across America, but this time, I’m going for the people that are destined to drive you nuts while watching a movie in Kuwait.

Now, before I rumble on, you might ask “Angelo, why you are so bitter”?

I’m not bitter. In fact, I’ve been told that I am the most delightful person ever, and as a training psychologist, I am conditioned not to harshly judge people or make snap judgments, but I cannot hold my rage and frustration for the sake of science. Thus, I decided to abuse my blog as a source of agitation release. Here’s a word of advice before I start: if you are one of those annoying people I listed, be cautions, because I placed a voodoo curse on you that shall torment you until you repent. In no particular order, here’s my list:

  • The Duckman

Ducks are generally not permitted in movie theaters, but it seems it is the case in Kuwait. It’s very wonderful to witness God’s beautiful creatures manifested in a human being; however, listening to loud bursts of “Kaaaaak” laughs while watching a movie isn’t the most charming thing in my honest opinion. If I had the permission, I would have carried on the respectable laws of the jungle inside the movie theater, and became the hunter who seeks his pray with a shotgun, fated to blast the Duckman in the head.

  • The Gossip Girl

Did you know that Nora has just had her dress tailored from France? And have you heard that Aseel just gave birth to a deformed child? And can you believe that Othman just divorced his wife, Abraar, after 2 months of being married? No! Then I believe you weren’t going to movie theaters lately because it seems the cinema is the perfect hub to stock up with meaningless gossips and tattletales that would make any person to develop horns just by listening to them. Seriously, no XOXO for you, gossip girl, because you deserve a series of punches and kicks right in the gut.

  • The Bluetooth Whore

Countless high-tech wizards have hailed Bluetooth technology as one of the most convenient inventions in the wireless industry, but leave it to Arabs to turn a work of art to one of the most abusive tool ever created. The problem is that people still reluctant to turn off their damn cell phones even after a big bold message has flashed in the giant screen, ordering them to do so. Sometimes, I just wish the screen would develop an arm and bitchslap the Bluetooth abuser silly. Now, if that isn’t annoying to you, then how about a coughing ringtone that gets activated upon receiving a Bluetooth message on every damn second. It’s quite delightful, isn’t it?

  • The Incarnated Children of The Devil

Don’t believe in the devil or dying to meet one? No sweat! All you have to do, is to go to a PG-rated movie roughly around 6 or 7PM in one of the most crowded movie theaters in the country, while arming yourself with bottles of the holy water or verses from the Qu’ran, and you are all set. It was extremely enchanting watching The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian while a kid from the front seat gave up on watching a convoluted story that his tiny brain couldn’t absorb, and decided to stare at you instead. Not to mention the screams, the hyper laughs, and the countless donkey kicks from the hordes of children behind you. Even chanting, “may the power of Christ compels you” while shoving the cross down their throat didn’t work either. Perhaps mass cremation would do the trick.

  • The Clown Clapper

When a great movie comes to its finale, it is considered privilege decorum to give a round of applause as an appreciation for the good time you spent watching the movie. Occasionally however, you are destined to encounter an obnoxious dude who “overclaps” at every scene, even when the hero of the movie meets his surprising, unexpected death at the end of the movie. I tried to search through the DSM-IV to find a disorder that describes the presented symptom, and gladly I did. I think I’m more surprised to discover that Tourette’s disorder is a common syndrome among the Kuwaiti youth. This the perfect case study for my doctoral dissertation.

The Unzipped Skirt

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. The blond went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, “How dare you touch my body!! I don’t even know who you are!”

At this the Texan drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends.”

Book Review: A Year In The Merde

I picked up this book while browsing at Borders in Heathrow International Airport as I was exchanging flight to return back home. The fact that I spotted it after publishing “The French Way of Life” post was a clear sign that I have to dive in its pages. And thank God I did. Stephen Clarke has intricately crafted a novel that is half guidebook and half fictitious autobiography that bursts with witty humor, rich language, and simple execution.

A Year In The Merde recounts the fictional adventures and misadventures of Paul West, an English businessman sent to Paris to create and open an English tearoom as he encounters the language and culture of Paris. Throughout the book, Paul gets to experience French charm, French inefficiency, sublime French food, slimy French corruption and political intrigue, a seemingly endless series of strikes, and more sex than he can shake his weakened British stick at. It’s informative, humorous, and outrageous, all in the same time.

It’s pretty important to mention that the author himself is a British expat residing in Paris, so we can definitely assert that those affairs that Paul goes through aren’t necessarily fabricated. However, it is also important to note that those incidents are exaggerated a bit, especially when it deals with sex and public strikes. Also, I wasn’t real interested in Paul; he is shallow and lacking any qualities to make me root for him to succeed, but it was the supporting characters that was genuinely satiated with life and realism. Furthermore, the most interesting thing to observe is the interaction between the French and the English and just laugh out at the stereotypes and misconceptions that have with one another. In the end, I can candidly conclude that Merde one of the most enjoyable books I have read recently. The story is well told, with just the right balance between understatement and outright hilarity. A definite pick-up for those of us who love and hate France. If you loved this book, make sure to grab the following two books that are part of Paul West hilarious trilogy.

~Rating~

The 5 Annoying People You Meet In Starbucks

We all love Starbucks, and that’s a fact. However, once in every damn second there, you always have to encounter an annoying person that set you ballistic, even though they might not interact with you directly. They are the people they make you cringe with detest, commit suicide in the spot, or simply, give you the urge to beat the crap out of them. I summarize my ranting as follow:

  • The Writer Who Wants You to Know He’s a Writer

Yes, we all know that writing is a fascinating occupation, but unfortunately, unlike hookers and crack dealers, you cannot simply point them out by looking at them. However, when a person has to tell you that he’s a writer (intentionally), then writing suddenly becomes less impressive. Those kind of people usually go to the busiest Starbucks in town and pop open their Macs, making sure that the shining Apple logo is on display for everyone to see. Then they pretend to write, sigh, and brainstorm their thoughts. However, the most annoying behavior they exhibit that makes you want to go GTA on their asses is when they sit in a table that is usually reserved for four people.

  • The Guy Who Hates Starbucks But Goes There Anyway

The world is packed with shitheads and nobody can deny that, but there are those who realize they are complete shitheads, and yet, brag about it. I’m taking about that certain someone who won’t shut up about how crappy Starbucks is, and forget the fact he is ranting while waiting in line inside Starbucks. Then, they become more annoying when they super customized their coffee and inquire combination that doesn’t even exist at the menu, and then ask for Splenda instead of regular sugar. Those people deserve to be vanished from the face of the Earth, clear and simple.

  • Study Groups

Why go to a proper school library that is filled with textbooks, resources, and free computers when you have the most crowded Starbucks in the area. It definitely makes more sense to go to a place where noise is a popular demanding song, has tables that barely support an encyclopedia, and a crowd that’s yelling for a proper frappuccino. It’s like Turkish prison, except less gay sex and slightly better coffee.

  • Manager Who Refuses to Recognize the Words Small, Medium, and Large

Dear Starbucks Manager,

I understand, you’re a corporate guy and thus must abide by company policies by calling the different sizes by their Starbucks Christian names of Venti, Grande, et. But if I ask you for a small, don’t act like I’m speaking to you in that Native American language as if we were in war where coded messages were delivered. You’re familiar with the sizes small, medium and large, and if you’re not, then you might want to change underwear because there’s a good chance that you are wearing a Venti size boxer that isn’t big enough for your shit that you failed to wipe/wash from defecating at your customers.

Sincerely,

A bitter consumer

  • The Person Who Peruses the DVD/Music Section As If He Might Purchase Something

It’s really great when you’re waiting in line behind somebody only to realize that they’re not in line, but instead deciding whether or not they want to purchase “Akeelah and the Bee” DVD, which I am positively sure that no one ever bought. Yes, we know that you want to shed the stereotypes that white people don’t watch Black movies, but if that particular Black movie sucks, then we understand the reason that you didn’t see it in theaters. Now, would you please stop reading the back cover of the DVD case and order freaking coffee before I kick the crap out of you? Thanks.

MacBook Is Thin Enough!