Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category

Book Review: A Year In The Merde

I picked up this book while browsing at Borders in Heathrow International Airport as I was exchanging flight to return back home. The fact that I spotted it after publishing “The French Way of Life” post was a clear sign that I have to dive in its pages. And thank God I did. Stephen Clarke has intricately crafted a novel that is half guidebook and half fictitious autobiography that bursts with witty humor, rich language, and simple execution.

A Year In The Merde recounts the fictional adventures and misadventures of Paul West, an English businessman sent to Paris to create and open an English tearoom as he encounters the language and culture of Paris. Throughout the book, Paul gets to experience French charm, French inefficiency, sublime French food, slimy French corruption and political intrigue, a seemingly endless series of strikes, and more sex than he can shake his weakened British stick at. It’s informative, humorous, and outrageous, all in the same time.

It’s pretty important to mention that the author himself is a British expat residing in Paris, so we can definitely assert that those affairs that Paul goes through aren’t necessarily fabricated. However, it is also important to note that those incidents are exaggerated a bit, especially when it deals with sex and public strikes. Also, I wasn’t real interested in Paul; he is shallow and lacking any qualities to make me root for him to succeed, but it was the supporting characters that was genuinely satiated with life and realism. Furthermore, the most interesting thing to observe is the interaction between the French and the English and just laugh out at the stereotypes and misconceptions that have with one another. In the end, I can candidly conclude that Merde one of the most enjoyable books I have read recently. The story is well told, with just the right balance between understatement and outright hilarity. A definite pick-up for those of us who love and hate France. If you loved this book, make sure to grab the following two books that are part of Paul West hilarious trilogy.

~Rating~

The 5 Annoying People You Meet In Starbucks

We all love Starbucks, and that’s a fact. However, once in every damn second there, you always have to encounter an annoying person that set you ballistic, even though they might not interact with you directly. They are the people they make you cringe with detest, commit suicide in the spot, or simply, give you the urge to beat the crap out of them. I summarize my ranting as follow:

  • The Writer Who Wants You to Know He’s a Writer

Yes, we all know that writing is a fascinating occupation, but unfortunately, unlike hookers and crack dealers, you cannot simply point them out by looking at them. However, when a person has to tell you that he’s a writer (intentionally), then writing suddenly becomes less impressive. Those kind of people usually go to the busiest Starbucks in town and pop open their Macs, making sure that the shining Apple logo is on display for everyone to see. Then they pretend to write, sigh, and brainstorm their thoughts. However, the most annoying behavior they exhibit that makes you want to go GTA on their asses is when they sit in a table that is usually reserved for four people.

  • The Guy Who Hates Starbucks But Goes There Anyway

The world is packed with shitheads and nobody can deny that, but there are those who realize they are complete shitheads, and yet, brag about it. I’m taking about that certain someone who won’t shut up about how crappy Starbucks is, and forget the fact he is ranting while waiting in line inside Starbucks. Then, they become more annoying when they super customized their coffee and inquire combination that doesn’t even exist at the menu, and then ask for Splenda instead of regular sugar. Those people deserve to be vanished from the face of the Earth, clear and simple.

  • Study Groups

Why go to a proper school library that is filled with textbooks, resources, and free computers when you have the most crowded Starbucks in the area. It definitely makes more sense to go to a place where noise is a popular demanding song, has tables that barely support an encyclopedia, and a crowd that’s yelling for a proper frappuccino. It’s like Turkish prison, except less gay sex and slightly better coffee.

  • Manager Who Refuses to Recognize the Words Small, Medium, and Large

Dear Starbucks Manager,

I understand, you’re a corporate guy and thus must abide by company policies by calling the different sizes by their Starbucks Christian names of Venti, Grande, et. But if I ask you for a small, don’t act like I’m speaking to you in that Native American language as if we were in war where coded messages were delivered. You’re familiar with the sizes small, medium and large, and if you’re not, then you might want to change underwear because there’s a good chance that you are wearing a Venti size boxer that isn’t big enough for your shit that you failed to wipe/wash from defecating at your customers.

Sincerely,

A bitter consumer

  • The Person Who Peruses the DVD/Music Section As If He Might Purchase Something

It’s really great when you’re waiting in line behind somebody only to realize that they’re not in line, but instead deciding whether or not they want to purchase “Akeelah and the Bee” DVD, which I am positively sure that no one ever bought. Yes, we know that you want to shed the stereotypes that white people don’t watch Black movies, but if that particular Black movie sucks, then we understand the reason that you didn’t see it in theaters. Now, would you please stop reading the back cover of the DVD case and order freaking coffee before I kick the crap out of you? Thanks.

MacBook Is Thin Enough!

KFC Colonel Sanders Is So Kawaii!

The wildfire success of Kentucky Fried Chicken in Japan is the stuff that makes business textbook writers giddy. An all-American institution was successfully turned into a staple of Japanese fast food thanks to cultural awareness, adaptation, and clever marketing. Among the things done in KFC’s eastward expansion was to position the chain’s founder, Colonel Sanders, as something of a mascot figure. Many Japanese KFC branches still have a life-size statue replica of the Colonel somewhere on the premises.

However, things got a little bit outlandish in the very youthful district of Akihabara. Many KFC owners started to dress the all-time American Colonel into a very otaku-oriented maid uniform. However, for those of you who aren’t into cross-dressing, rest assured, as the KFC headquarters in America told the Akihabara branch to stop dressing Colonel Sanders in a maid costume apparently, so he has been returned to his original self. Although, there’s something really attracting in that maid uniform. You know you shouldn’t be gawking at it, but it’s just so bizarrely compelling that you can’t turn away…

  • For more pictures, click HERE.

A Dairy of A Videogame RPG Hero

Note: This is a dairy of a typical RPG hero that I totally made up. It is not based on a particular game.

  • Day One ~ Fetchcrap Village

It was a hell day in Fetchcrap Village. I’ve been running around like a madman for the last 5 hours. It seems everyone around here is lazy as always, and I am the designated guy to run around and fetch some stupid items and stuff from all over the place. I played a jump rope game with some kids, and apparently, they give away cool items based on the number of jumps made consecutively. I made 100 jumps without falling and they rewarded me with a nice piece of accessory that boosts my attack power by 30. Nice! Although, I don’t know if I ever going to need it since I’m stuck in this village for the rest of my life. Anyway, I have to go to sleep now since I have to retrieve some fish from the neighboring harbor.

  • Day Three ~ Fetchcrap Village

What the hall happened here? I’m been away for a couple of days and my town is completely destroyed and everyone has been killed. Who have done this shit? It seems my destiny has been changed, and I am set to embark on a vengeance journey that shall allow me to grow from level 1 to level 73 or something. I hope I can convince some crazy people to accompany me on this trip. I am in a desperate need for a healer, and a black mage isn’t bad either too.

  • Day Twenty One ~ Defecating City

God I’m awesome. I have been able to recruit more than 4 members in my party, and one of them is a smoking hot healer who apparently has amnesia after falling from the sky. I’m waiting for the right opportunity to bang her. I spent most of the day shopping for equipments, weapons and items for the journey. Man, some weapons were darn expensive but I’m pretty sure they will come in handy. Thank God the monsters in this area are full of dough. I mean the other day we defeated a monster and he dropped 10,000 Gils with 5000 EXP, 100 AP, and 20 SP. Yeah, don’t even try asking me what those mean, all I know is that they are making me stronger so that’s quite enough for me. The Inn in this town is sure is noisy but the beds are quite comfy. Time for some sleep.

  • Day Fifty Four ~ The Tall Boner Tower

Fuck this shit. I’ve been just defeated by my evil twin brother (who I didn’t know he existed in the first place) with a single slash from his sword. And what makes things worse is that my party companion, Victor, has been a traitor all this time. I need to get stronger fast so I can kick his ass. But first, we have to awaken the dormant spirits all across the world so they can aid us on this quest. Ahhh, I think this is going to take a while.

  • Day One Thousand & Thirty Five ~ Worldia Field Map

Check me out bitches! I am at level 92 and I have the best set of equipments and weapons like you can never imagine. I have more than 1,000,000 Gils, which should come in handy after I kick the crap out of my evil twin’s ass; I’m planning to retire and buy my very own island. But man, it sure took me a lot to get those ultimate weapons.  Right now, I have to fight a secret boss in the abyss of Earth, and apparently he’s 2 times tougher than my evil twin brother. I hope he doesn’t turn out to be a big pain in the butt.

Sexy Videogame Pickup Lines

For those of you who desire a girlfriend or a wife that really digs videogames, I present thee, videogames-related pickup lines. I have no ideas if those pickup lines actually work or not but try them with Gamestop female employee first and see what happens. Also, I might need to warn you that some of those lines are a bit vulgar and might give a nun a heart attack. You’ve been warned!

  • “If I do you on hard, can I unlock your “extra costume”?
  • “I know how Mario must fell, cause I really want to clean your pipes”
  • “My console features rumble”
  • “You must be made by Nintendo because my stylus has been dying to touch you”
  • “Girl, you got me like Warioware. I’m touched!
  • “You can’t be Phoenix Wright, because I have no objection to you, baby”
  • “If you’re a Devil, you May Cry by the time I’m finished with ya”
  • “You remind me of a game of Tetris – you always want the long ones”
  • “Mind if I Pac my Man in there”?
  • “What do you say I take my flag to your base and score”?
  • “Give me five minutes and I’ll take you to your Limit Break”
  • “How you and your friend join me on a search for the Tri-Force”?
  • “Wanna be my Cooking Mama? Cause I have a big sausage that cannot wait to be cooked”!

Why I’ll Never Be A Doctor

Small conversation I came up with while playing sucking at Trauma Center: New Blood.

“Dr. Angelo, please begin the procedure. Yes, use the magical all-healing antibiotic gel to close up those small lacerations”.

I splash the antibiotic gel all over the patient’s body.

“It’s awesome, isn’t it? The future sure is great, what with gels can be used these days.
Okay, make a small incision and we’ll take a look inside”.

I make a long incision that almost sliced the patient’s chest in half.

” Dr. Angelo. Now just…HEY HEY WHOA HEY WAIT HEY WHAT HEY STOP!”

“Hm?”

“Doctor, what the fuck are you doing? You’re killing our patient!”

“I’m just — I’m detaching these pacemaker wires, right? And I was going to move it from the heart to the tray, you know, so there aren’t any wires in her chest cavity. Right?”

“Are you fucking mad? You have to detach both of the wires before you do anything else, touch anything else! If you so much as touch the first wire to remove it before detaching the others, you’ll totally kill our patient! Kill her dead!”

“But it’s already out of her heart. It’s not even hitched up anymore, see? So I’ll just get it out of the way–”

A massive hemorrhage erupts. The patient’s heart spontaneously explodes. Locusts consume her brain and crawl out of her eyes.

“Hey, way to go Doctor. You just killed our patient. Well, let’s start over so your reign of terror can carry onward”.

“Ahh fuck!

*sigh* “Well, how about we close up the patient’s chest with stitches?”

I swiftly stitch the patient’s breasts together by mistake.