Archive for the ‘Writing’ Category

The 5 Annoying People You Meet In Starbucks

We all love Starbucks, and that’s a fact. However, once in every damn second there, you always have to encounter an annoying person that set you ballistic, even though they might not interact with you directly. They are the people they make you cringe with detest, commit suicide in the spot, or simply, give you the urge to beat the crap out of them. I summarize my ranting as follow:

  • The Writer Who Wants You to Know He’s a Writer

Yes, we all know that writing is a fascinating occupation, but unfortunately, unlike hookers and crack dealers, you cannot simply point them out by looking at them. However, when a person has to tell you that he’s a writer (intentionally), then writing suddenly becomes less impressive. Those kind of people usually go to the busiest Starbucks in town and pop open their Macs, making sure that the shining Apple logo is on display for everyone to see. Then they pretend to write, sigh, and brainstorm their thoughts. However, the most annoying behavior they exhibit that makes you want to go GTA on their asses is when they sit in a table that is usually reserved for four people.

  • The Guy Who Hates Starbucks But Goes There Anyway

The world is packed with shitheads and nobody can deny that, but there are those who realize they are complete shitheads, and yet, brag about it. I’m taking about that certain someone who won’t shut up about how crappy Starbucks is, and forget the fact he is ranting while waiting in line inside Starbucks. Then, they become more annoying when they super customized their coffee and inquire combination that doesn’t even exist at the menu, and then ask for Splenda instead of regular sugar. Those people deserve to be vanished from the face of the Earth, clear and simple.

  • Study Groups

Why go to a proper school library that is filled with textbooks, resources, and free computers when you have the most crowded Starbucks in the area. It definitely makes more sense to go to a place where noise is a popular demanding song, has tables that barely support an encyclopedia, and a crowd that’s yelling for a proper frappuccino. It’s like Turkish prison, except less gay sex and slightly better coffee.

  • Manager Who Refuses to Recognize the Words Small, Medium, and Large

Dear Starbucks Manager,

I understand, you’re a corporate guy and thus must abide by company policies by calling the different sizes by their Starbucks Christian names of Venti, Grande, et. But if I ask you for a small, don’t act like I’m speaking to you in that Native American language as if we were in war where coded messages were delivered. You’re familiar with the sizes small, medium and large, and if you’re not, then you might want to change underwear because there’s a good chance that you are wearing a Venti size boxer that isn’t big enough for your shit that you failed to wipe/wash from defecating at your customers.

Sincerely,

A bitter consumer

  • The Person Who Peruses the DVD/Music Section As If He Might Purchase Something

It’s really great when you’re waiting in line behind somebody only to realize that they’re not in line, but instead deciding whether or not they want to purchase “Akeelah and the Bee” DVD, which I am positively sure that no one ever bought. Yes, we know that you want to shed the stereotypes that white people don’t watch Black movies, but if that particular Black movie sucks, then we understand the reason that you didn’t see it in theaters. Now, would you please stop reading the back cover of the DVD case and order freaking coffee before I kick the crap out of you? Thanks.

The French Way Of Life

I have expressed several times in my blog about my fascination regarding France and the French people. As a matter of fact, when I come across the Travel section in any bookstore I visit, I always scan the bookshelves for France’s travel guides. Sometimes however, I think I’m more fascinated with the French than France in general. Throughout my readings regarding the French, and watching the countless French movies, they are certain charms and habits that you cannot help but to notice. Not to be positively or negativity stereotypical, I condense my thoughts as follow:

  • The People of Paradoxes

Ask mostly anyone which country they consider the most “European,” and they’ll probably answer France. Thomas Jefferson knew France well, dubbing it “every man’s second fatherland.” Why, in view of these tributes, does one hear unflattering things about the French: that they’re rude, unfriendly, impatient, and even promiscuous? Every visitor shares this bewilderment, and I shall reserve my judgment until I go there and meet them myself.

  • L’esprit Critique

You’ll spot the characteristic shrug of the shoulders, which is the Frenchman’s reaction to all startling news. Some might call it cynicism, but a better phrase is the one the French use themselves: l’esprit critique. It’s not something negative; it’s simply the way the French use their common sense. A Frenchman can’t describe something without adding his own judgment of value, that is, he wants to know if it’s good or bad for him.

  • The Cold Treatment

French indifference and coldness to outsiders is really another virtue seen from the wrong end. If a Frenchman seems cold to outsiders, it’s because he reserves his affections for his family and close friends. Family life in France is one of the closest in Europe: it affords the French the small pleasures (like the evening meal), which they value above all else. Apparently, The French consider instant friendliness a sign of insincerity. Thus, a sign of banjour might be a rare expression (among the French and the outsiders) than you might think.

  • In Unity We Trust

For all their individualism and eccentricity, the French still have bonds, which keep them together as a nation. One is pride in their nation and its language. France is, after all, the oldest unified country in Europe of any size. For centuries, the French language dominated European diplomacy and royal courts. Another bond that unifies them is the Frenchman’s respect for intellectual distinction in general. The French probably read more than any other people. The leading intellectual figures of the day receive the same media coverage that movie stars, politicians, or sports heroes do in the U.S. However, this also means that sometimes the French lose sight of a problem in the endless analysis of its details, especially when the experts disagree.

Conclusion?

If you were seeking a conclusive statement after reading all of that, then I’m sorry to tell you that I don’t have one. I cannot deduce something that I didn’t have the chance to essentially investigate and observe. However, I can firmly assert that I have at least scratched the surface of the French way of life. In the end, I invite you to watch this movie and experience a little taste of my all time favorite city, Paris. It might lighten up your weekend.

Frenzy Masturbation!

Now just before you shy red after reading the title, or switch to another blog or inform the government to regulate my blog (good luck on that by the way), I ask you to hold your horses. First, we cannot deny that masturbation has tremendous benefits for the health, especially for men. For example, masturbating four times a week can reduce the chance of getting prostrate cancer by 25%. However, there are sometimes when little habits can go overboard.

I was reading a novel called “The Average American Male” that tells a story about your average American male (duh!) and in one of the chapters, the protagonist of the story has masturbated 4 times just before he went on a date. Now, I realize this is a fiction; however, after reading the readers’ reviews and how they confirmed the reality of the novel, I thought this is the real deal: that American guys masturbate more than 4 times a day.

In order to feed the social psychologist in me, I ventured into a quest to find the real answer, and who is a better person to ask than your beloved American colleague. I started with James, who is famous for being a total playboy in the psychology department in my university.

Me: Say James, you do date a lot of women don’t you?

James flashed his white teeth, brushed his golden blond hair, adjusted his fitted t-shirt that was so tight on his 2% body fat frame, and displayed his cheek dimples. He was brimming with confidence.

James: Yes, I declare that I am guilty at charge.

Me: Well, I was reading this novel, and in one of the chapters, the protagonist undergoes frenzy masturbation four times just before he went on a date. Do you confirm that’s a regular habit you commit yourself?

James didn’t take too much time thinking. With a big grin on his face, he answered.

James: I can definitely assert that I often masturbate 4 times a day but I never did it that many times before I went on a date. I think you gave me an idea for a great challenge to beat my friend.

Although I didn’t get the exact answer I wanted to hear, but it was a positive start.

Me: Gee, thanks James.

James: No problem, my average looking friend.

Unsatisfied with the results that I obtained, I thought that I should ask my nerdy friend (and lab partner) Andrew if he can chip his two cents to the subject. You don’t know, looks can be deceiving, I thought.

Me: Say Andrew, how often do you jerk off on a daily basis?

Andrew squirted his iced mocha all over the place.

Andrew: Say what?

Me: Oh sorry. How often do you ejaculate on a daily basis?

Andrew: I understood it the first time you idiot. What kinda question is that?

I explained thoroughly to Andrew my story. He looked at me bitterly.

Andrew: How should I know? I rarely get out of the lab that I cannot even afford to wonder on my own fantasies. Although…

Andrew suddenly grew excited.

Andrew: Once I was alone in the lab, I masturbated on a refractive lens and inspected it under the microscope. Dude, it’s so cool. I finally got to see my boys alive and kicking.

I revolted. Picturing him doing that made me punch his face until he fainted. A single uppercut punch was enough to do that.

I wondered in the food court, trying to achieve some results for my hypothesis. I noticed a bunch of my female friends sitting in one of the tables. Even though my question deals with men, I thought I should ask them the same question and if they masturbate that often. Filled with confidence, I hippity hopped toward them with my burning question.

Me: Hi girls!

All: Hi Angelo!

Me: Say girls, I’m kinda conducing a survey in social psychology and I was wondering how often do you…

I couldn’t ask the question. They are girls, and you don’t ask this kind of question to girls. My integrity as a gentleman would be diminished. I thought to ask them a different innocent question.

Me: Do you go shopping on weekends?

Audrey, the leader of the group, raised from her chair looked at me with raging fire burning in her eyes.

Audrey: What kinda sexist question is that? What, do you think just because we are girls, all we care about shopping and sales? Men are such pigs.

Me: But I…

Audrey: And you know what? Thank God we love shopping. At least we get to work our bodies and burn some calories. All you men do is just jerking off like 4 times a day. You suck.

Audrey, all angered and agitated, left the table with her friends to the nearby junk store and bought dozens of double chocolate brownie to ease her stress. Despite I was declared a pig, she kind of answered my question in her ravishing, ultra feminist rant.

I halted my search for the day and decided to give it a rest for a while. Shortly after, my Kuwaiti friend called me over the cellphone and we started exchanging stories. I told him what I was doing that day. He made his hyper Kuwaiti laugh and without any hesitation, he replayed:

“Yam3aowad (I have no idea how translate that word to English), I masturbate like 5 times alone just when I take a shower”.

Utter silence ensued…

5 Habits Women Would Love From Their Men

Men usually tend to think that women are the most complicated creatures ever, but they aren’t that different really. All they want is just a little attention. So to avoid those nasty “You never do anything romantic” arguments, there are a few habits women love that you can adopt to get on her good side. Arm yourself with this list that I devised and you should be fine, whether you are dealing with your wife or your girlfriend.

  • Receiving Compliments

Women usually love to be appreciated or get a boost in their self-assurance. So it is very important to be sincere when giving a compliment, and always be grateful on the amount of work she had to go through to transform herself from a regular girl to a hot diva for your sake. Even the simplest compliments such as “those jeans look great on you” can net you some love points that can be “cashed” later on.

  • Receiving Text Messages/Calling Her

Women don’t really pay attention to their cellphone bills and you should exploit that trait on your side. Always shower her with text messages to demonstrate that she is an integral part of your life. A simple poem and a funny joke can go a long way and can truly turn her day 180 degree. Also, try to call her every now and then and just asks her how her day is going along and if she needs anything for tonight’s dinner. That alone will make her deliriously happy.

  • Being A Priority

The most important thing to keep in mind is that women love being your number 1 priority. Sometimes, it is essential to sacrifice a night with the guys for a romantic dinner at home with her. However, if you had to go out, always try to keep her in touch by simply calling her or telling her, and that truly shows that her opinion matters to you. Also, it doesn’t hurt to bring her her favorite box of chocolate after spending the night with your buddies now does it?

  • Getting Constant Attention

Remember the old cliché that women like a good listener? Here’s a tip: Most clichés come from truth. Always keep an ear on what she’s saying and try to replay back, ask questions, and remember what she is saying because who knows when that conversation will pop up again. Also, try to apply this technique on everything; her dress, her haircut, and her perfume, all of that needs constant attention, so keep your ears, nose, and eyes open most of the time.

  • Surprising Her

Women love good surprises, whether they were big or small. For example, treating her on a surprise dinner in her favorite restaurant during weekdays can really lighten up her heart. Even small gifts can go a long way. For instance, if you happen to know her favorite music artist (which you should) then you ought to surprise her by buying the new album of that artist as soon it releases, and that alone would send her flying with joy.

A Dairy of A Videogame RPG Hero

Note: This is a dairy of a typical RPG hero that I totally made up. It is not based on a particular game.

  • Day One ~ Fetchcrap Village

It was a hell day in Fetchcrap Village. I’ve been running around like a madman for the last 5 hours. It seems everyone around here is lazy as always, and I am the designated guy to run around and fetch some stupid items and stuff from all over the place. I played a jump rope game with some kids, and apparently, they give away cool items based on the number of jumps made consecutively. I made 100 jumps without falling and they rewarded me with a nice piece of accessory that boosts my attack power by 30. Nice! Although, I don’t know if I ever going to need it since I’m stuck in this village for the rest of my life. Anyway, I have to go to sleep now since I have to retrieve some fish from the neighboring harbor.

  • Day Three ~ Fetchcrap Village

What the hall happened here? I’m been away for a couple of days and my town is completely destroyed and everyone has been killed. Who have done this shit? It seems my destiny has been changed, and I am set to embark on a vengeance journey that shall allow me to grow from level 1 to level 73 or something. I hope I can convince some crazy people to accompany me on this trip. I am in a desperate need for a healer, and a black mage isn’t bad either too.

  • Day Twenty One ~ Defecating City

God I’m awesome. I have been able to recruit more than 4 members in my party, and one of them is a smoking hot healer who apparently has amnesia after falling from the sky. I’m waiting for the right opportunity to bang her. I spent most of the day shopping for equipments, weapons and items for the journey. Man, some weapons were darn expensive but I’m pretty sure they will come in handy. Thank God the monsters in this area are full of dough. I mean the other day we defeated a monster and he dropped 10,000 Gils with 5000 EXP, 100 AP, and 20 SP. Yeah, don’t even try asking me what those mean, all I know is that they are making me stronger so that’s quite enough for me. The Inn in this town is sure is noisy but the beds are quite comfy. Time for some sleep.

  • Day Fifty Four ~ The Tall Boner Tower

Fuck this shit. I’ve been just defeated by my evil twin brother (who I didn’t know he existed in the first place) with a single slash from his sword. And what makes things worse is that my party companion, Victor, has been a traitor all this time. I need to get stronger fast so I can kick his ass. But first, we have to awaken the dormant spirits all across the world so they can aid us on this quest. Ahhh, I think this is going to take a while.

  • Day One Thousand & Thirty Five ~ Worldia Field Map

Check me out bitches! I am at level 92 and I have the best set of equipments and weapons like you can never imagine. I have more than 1,000,000 Gils, which should come in handy after I kick the crap out of my evil twin’s ass; I’m planning to retire and buy my very own island. But man, it sure took me a lot to get those ultimate weapons.  Right now, I have to fight a secret boss in the abyss of Earth, and apparently he’s 2 times tougher than my evil twin brother. I hope he doesn’t turn out to be a big pain in the butt.

Fixing The Starbucks Experience

It’s no surprise that I have been a Starbucks Junkie since the day they opened their doors in Kuwait. As a matter of fact, I’m not addicted to coffee as much I am addicted to Starbucks, and I am pretty sure there are many people who are bucks addicts as well. However, in spite of all of that, even I assert that Starbucks isn’t the best coffee shop ever. There are quite a few things that deprive Starbucks from achieving its acclaimed experience, and I’d like to discuss those issues. Bear in mind that this is not a rant but more like a friendly criticism from a long time fan. Also, note that these issues are based on my current experiences in the US, not Kuwait.

  • Good Food For The Good People

Aside from its generous assortment of muffins, I would never ever buy food from a Starbucks store. Their sandwiches are dull and expensive, and their cakes are so dry that I almost finish my beverage out of thirst. Sure, many people don’t go to Starbucks to grab a bite but sometimes it becomes unenviable to get something to eat after spending the day there cramming for an exam. Instead of serving already-made cold sandwiches, Starbucks can spicy it up a notch by supplying its menu with hot bagels, Panini sandwiches, and variety of cheesecake. That way, Starbucks can even compete with Einstein’s Bros and Panera Bread in the bakery-café industry.

  • Tea Lovers Demand Some Love

The choices of tea that Starbucks offer are pretty pathetic. They lack broad selection of tea that other coffeehouse chains offer such as Pete’s Coffee & Tea and The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, and that really hurts the competition. How about offering some tea lattes for a change?

  • The Perfect Roast

Yes, Starbucks routinely over-roasts-but they don’t over-roast well. Their roasting needs to be adjusted to fit the more sophisticated palates people now have. People want to taste coffee, not just roast. Customers also want their beans to be freshly ground seconds before brewing a pot of coffee, not pre-ground before delivery, or ground in the morning to last the entire day. Fresh roast can really work wonders, so roast it up will ya!

  • Squeeze Me Some Orange

Almost every small coffee house I visit in the US, they serve freshly squeeze orange juice that is instantly ready for pick-up. Some people like to have a “citrusy” flavor in the morning along with their cold sandwich. I am not asking for a Jamba Juice, all I want is some orange for those of us who are vitamin C deprived.

Well, that’s pretty much I can think of right now. How about you? Is there anything you would like to change or improve for a better Starbucks experience?

Why I’ll Never Be A Doctor

Small conversation I came up with while playing sucking at Trauma Center: New Blood.

“Dr. Angelo, please begin the procedure. Yes, use the magical all-healing antibiotic gel to close up those small lacerations”.

I splash the antibiotic gel all over the patient’s body.

“It’s awesome, isn’t it? The future sure is great, what with gels can be used these days.
Okay, make a small incision and we’ll take a look inside”.

I make a long incision that almost sliced the patient’s chest in half.

” Dr. Angelo. Now just…HEY HEY WHOA HEY WAIT HEY WHAT HEY STOP!”

“Hm?”

“Doctor, what the fuck are you doing? You’re killing our patient!”

“I’m just — I’m detaching these pacemaker wires, right? And I was going to move it from the heart to the tray, you know, so there aren’t any wires in her chest cavity. Right?”

“Are you fucking mad? You have to detach both of the wires before you do anything else, touch anything else! If you so much as touch the first wire to remove it before detaching the others, you’ll totally kill our patient! Kill her dead!”

“But it’s already out of her heart. It’s not even hitched up anymore, see? So I’ll just get it out of the way–”

A massive hemorrhage erupts. The patient’s heart spontaneously explodes. Locusts consume her brain and crawl out of her eyes.

“Hey, way to go Doctor. You just killed our patient. Well, let’s start over so your reign of terror can carry onward”.

“Ahh fuck!

*sigh* “Well, how about we close up the patient’s chest with stitches?”

I swiftly stitch the patient’s breasts together by mistake.